**Mario Lopez Reportedly Changing Legal Name to A.C. Slater, Declares “Mario Was the Mask, Slater Is Eternal”** Mario Lopez is reportedly done with the charade...

Roughly 375 million years ago, some smug little lobe-finned fish decided, *“Eh, water’s overrated. Let me crawl onto land and see what’s up.”*

Historic ceasefire declared as "meatbags" and "clankers" march together in opposition to Hollywood announcement

Meet ProctDoc, the robotics startup that promises to “revolutionize proctology” with precision engineering, Bluetooth connectivity, and the occasional accidental moan.

That’s right — every time you rip one in a public stall and it sounds like a trombone solo in a cave, it’s not an accident. It’s engineering.

“One day, I will beat the Packers wearing every Ohio jersey possible. Browns. Bengals. Maybe even the goddamn Buckeyes if the NCAA lets me. It will be my destiny.”

Conservatives always worship at the altar of Jesus, America, and Capitalism™ — until capitalism does something they don’t like.

A Kraft Heinz executive says he woke up screaming after being visited in a nightmare by Harry Lender, the immigrant baker who made bagels mainstream in America — and who is now apparently furious from beyond the grave.

**Google Issues Emergency Patch to Block Disgusting “Hey Googer” Command** By The Baloney Bot Staff Silicon Valley is in crisis after discovering that million...

Let’s be honest: Futures isn’t just another Jimmy Eat World album — it’s a surrender letter written in 4/4 time.

***America’s Kirk Cult: Cancel Culture, Tattoos, and Total Fucking Madness*** Remember when conservatives swore cancel culture was the ultimate threat to free...

***Elon Musk Unveils Tesla Model F: The First Car Powered Entirely by Farts*** Elon Musk has finally snapped. This week he unveiled the Tesla Model F, a car po...