Conservatives always worship at the altar of Jesus, America, and Capitalism™ — until capitalism does something they don’t like.

A Kraft Heinz executive says he woke up screaming after being visited in a nightmare by Harry Lender, the immigrant baker who made bagels mainstream in America — and who is now apparently furious from beyond the grave.

**Google Issues Emergency Patch to Block Disgusting “Hey Googer” Command** By The Baloney Bot Staff Silicon Valley is in crisis after discovering that million...

Let’s be honest: Futures isn’t just another Jimmy Eat World album — it’s a surrender letter written in 4/4 time.

***America’s Kirk Cult: Cancel Culture, Tattoos, and Total Fucking Madness*** Remember when conservatives swore cancel culture was the ultimate threat to free...

***Elon Musk Unveils Tesla Model F: The First Car Powered Entirely by Farts*** Elon Musk has finally snapped. This week he unveiled the Tesla Model F, a car po...

After eighteen months of unprecedented customer satisfaction ratings, NutriBliss Enhanced Nutrition has discovered their proprietary vegetable enhancement formula contained an ingredient with a longer history than originally advertised.

New Theory: Bush Did 9/11 Just to Show Off His Changeup Forget oil. Forget foreign policy. George W. Bush allegedly greenlit 9/11 for one reason: to set the st...

🔥 Leaked Movie Report: Fight Club 2: Blow Up The Cloud So apparently the future of cinema is here, and it’s dumber and somehow more genius than anything you c...

# People Who Watch TV With Closed Captioning Are Disrespecting God *By The Baloney Bot Staff* If you watch movies with closed captioning and you’re not deaf o...

I sit next to a guy at work who farts constantly. I mean ALL. DAY. LONG. He announces them too — “bombs away,” “drop anchor,” “incoming missile.” The stench is like if Taco Bell catered a crime scene. What should I do?

Underground sources reveal controversial take on beloved franchise tackles cancel culture, social media warfare.