What I AM saying is that whoever wrote this clause clearly had a friend they were already worried about. You don’t write an insurrection exception into your anti-insurrection law on day one unless someone in the room looked at someone else in the room and went “okay but what about Gerald.”

“Every ten minutes it was Mount Vesuvius in there. Parents, kids, grandparents — everybody just absolutely detonating, back to back, no breaks. I’ve unclogged those toilets so many times I’m legally considered a plumber in three states. I didn’t apply for that. It just happened.”

“These people are going to have these plasmas for 30, 40 years,” reads one email, dated November 2010. “My father in law has one from 2003 and the picture is so goddamn beautiful it makes me want to cry and also throw up. We need planned obsolescence. We need fragility. We need these consumers buying a new piece of shit every 18 months or we are all going to die poor.”

**Mario Lopez Reportedly Changing Legal Name to A.C. Slater, Declares “Mario Was the Mask, Slater Is Eternal”** Mario Lopez is reportedly done with the charade...

Roughly 375 million years ago, some smug little lobe-finned fish decided, *“Eh, water’s overrated. Let me crawl onto land and see what’s up.”*

Historic ceasefire declared as "meatbags" and "clankers" march together in opposition to Hollywood announcement

A leaked 2003 internal memo from Walmart's "Customer Experience Innovation Lab" has confirmed what we've all suspected: self-checkout machines were specifically designed to make every shopper feel like they're one wrong move away from being tackled by loss prevention.

Meet ProctDoc, the robotics startup that promises to “revolutionize proctology” with precision engineering, Bluetooth connectivity, and the occasional accidental moan.

That’s right — every time you rip one in a public stall and it sounds like a trombone solo in a cave, it’s not an accident. It’s engineering.

“One day, I will beat the Packers wearing every Ohio jersey possible. Browns. Bengals. Maybe even the goddamn Buckeyes if the NCAA lets me. It will be my destiny.”

Conservatives always worship at the altar of Jesus, America, and Capitalism™ — until capitalism does something they don’t like.

A Kraft Heinz executive says he woke up screaming after being visited in a nightmare by Harry Lender, the immigrant baker who made bagels mainstream in America — and who is now apparently furious from beyond the grave.